A opossum once entered my house and hid under my nightstand. It was a bit disconcerting when the alarm went off, the dog chased it, and it lashed out from under the table with a mouthful of needle-like teeth â€“ but those are the joys of living in the â€˜burbs.
Iâ€™ve had other close encounters of the small game kind too. I was once skunked when a poorly supervised Boy Scout decided to crush one with a large rock along the Appalachian Trail. Our dog has been sprayed three times (that tomato juice nonsense is a load of crap, BTW), and has gifted us with a wide assortment of live and dead squirrels, bunnies, opossums, and once, a snake for my wifeâ€™s freakout pleasure.
Thatâ€™s why when I heard about Iowa Representative Steve Kingâ€™s (R) life or death struggle against a â€œcrazy raccoonâ€, I thought heâ€™d really hit on a good idea â€“ an anti-raccoon militia.
King is right, raccoons are crazy. I once saw a stoned one cleaning charcoal in a creek and sitting mesmerized when it melted away in its tiny hands. As King says, you just canâ€™t have them â€œchewing and clawingâ€ their way into your house, especially when it tries to dismantle your homestead under cover of a massive blizzard.
Raccoons are crafty bastards. They move at night, defeat all manner of home defenses, and wear tiny burglar masks. Hell, you donâ€™t even have to profile them to see how dangerous they are. They may even be Islamic terrorists.
Thatâ€™s why King took the only defensive posture available to him â€“ blowing the nefarious little PETA pet all to with a .50 cal American Eagle handgun.
What better way to exercise your Second Amendment rights than to form your own militia to protect against the scourge of terrorcoons? It might not be as de riguer as a pistol-packinâ€™ troop of camo-heads guarding the southern borders or a doomsday religious cult ready to hop the next train to the Rapture, but it would be damned effective and pretty popular with the folks living in the American hinterland.
Thereâ€™s safety in numbers, especially when the numbers are armed with .50 cal handguns, ready to take out an OCD, hand-cleaning fluff ball. The time has come to take back our streets and soy bean fields from these animals that hate America.
Join the Anti-Terrorcoon Militia today!
Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!