Iowa Rep. Starts Anti-Terrorcoon Militia

A opossum once entered my house and hid under my nightstand. It was a bit disconcerting when the alarm went off, the dog chased it, and it lashed out from under the table with a mouthful of needle-like teeth – but those are the joys of living in the ‘burbs.

I’ve had other close encounters of the small game kind too. I was once skunked when a poorly supervised Boy Scout decided to crush one with a large rock along the Appalachian Trail. Our dog has been sprayed three times (that tomato juice nonsense is a load of crap, BTW), and has gifted us with a wide assortment of live and dead squirrels, bunnies, opossums, and once, a snake for my wife’s freakout pleasure.

That’s why when I heard about Iowa Representative Steve King’s (R) life or death struggle against a “crazy raccoon”, I thought he’d really hit on a good idea – an anti-raccoon militia.

King is right, raccoons are crazy. I once saw a stoned one cleaning charcoal in a creek and sitting mesmerized when it melted away in its tiny hands. As King says, you just can’t have them “chewing and clawing” their way into your house, especially when it tries to dismantle your homestead under cover of a massive blizzard.

Raccoons are crafty bastards. They move at night, defeat all manner of home defenses, and wear tiny burglar masks. Hell, you don’t even have to profile them to see how dangerous they are. They may even be Islamic terrorists.

That’s why King took the only defensive posture available to him – blowing the nefarious little PETA pet all to with a .50 cal American Eagle handgun.

What better way to exercise your Second Amendment rights than to form your own militia to protect against the scourge of terrorcoons? It might not be as de riguer as a pistol-packin’ troop of camo-heads guarding the southern borders or a doomsday religious cult ready to hop the next train to the Rapture, but it would be damned effective and pretty popular with the folks living in the American hinterland.

There’s safety in numbers, especially when the numbers are armed with .50 cal handguns, ready to take out an OCD, hand-cleaning fluff ball. The time has come to take back our streets and soy bean fields from these animals that hate America.

Join the Anti-Terrorcoon Militia today!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!